3 reasons why we hurt people we love

Why does it seem that we hurt those we love the most? It doesn’t seem to make much sense does it? Shouldn’t we be going out of our way to make sure their needs are met and be paying special attention to their needs and desires? The answer is yes, unfortunately this is more the exception rather than the rule.

Here are 3 more reasons why we tend to hurt our loved ones…

1) We take them for granted:

When we seek a partner, we are typically looking for someone to share our lives with on a long-term basis. When we expect or assume that our partner is going to be around long into the distant future, it’s easier to become lax with staying present in our relationship and appreciate and appreciate our partner. With this mindset creeping into the relationship, communication slowly begins to fall apart.

Staying present with our partner takes time and effort. If we don’t know how to be present, we fail to miss the signals being communicated by our partner. If these signals about what our partner needs and wants from you go unmet it could be a recipe for contempt and disappointment.

2) Unintended consequences:

More often than not, we don’t intend to hurt others. However, if we fail to take care of ourselves, we fail to take care of others; including the ones we love. What we don’t transform we transfer. If I don’t love myself, I will have a hard time truly loving others and receiving their love for me. when I don’t value myself, I have a difficult time seeing the value in others. If I don’t appreciate myself, I will often have a hard time appreciating others.  When we fail to practice empathy and compassion with our partners, we foster a relationship filled with tension, contempt, and emotional isolation.

3) Intentionally hurting them:

Misery loves company. “If I can’t be happy then you shouldn’t be either”, “It isn’t fair that you have peace in your life, so I will create chaos in our relationship”.  Anger is a secondary emotion. That means that there is almost always a more vulnerable emotion driving the anger we experience. It can be difficult and even painful to identify and express those more vulnerable emotions like, disappointment, embarrassment, fear, and sadness. When we fail to identify and express these vulnerable and painful emotions in healthy ways, we will likely respond with aggression and anger.  Anger is easy to access and people know what anger is. Unfortunately, responding with aggression and anger often results in hurting those we love.

Here is the good news; you aren’t alone in this and things can get better! We aren’t born knowing these things but we can learn from our past if we are willing to be more vulnerable, learn to be authentic to ourselves and those we love.

emotion. Anger is often referred to as a "secondary emotion" meaning that there is typically a more vulnerable or uncomfortable emotion driving that anger.

How to Manage your Anger

Anger is a “secondary emotion”

Anger is often referred to as a “secondary emotion” meaning that there is typically a more vulnerable or uncomfortable emotion driving that anger. If we can tap into being more mindful and curious about what that underlining feeling is and what it is telling us to do, we can effectively cope with anger. Some common vulnerable emotions under anger are embarrassment, betrayal, fear, pain, and feelings of insecurity. When we confront our more vulnerable feelings with self-compassion and empathy we can begin to disarm our anger and begin true healing.

Anger is normal!

Anger, we all experience it…maybe more than we would like. When it comes to anger we need to remember that it’s a completely normal emotion. Anger does not have to be a negative experience. When we experience anger (or any emotion for that mater) it is trying to tell us something; how to think, how to feel and how to act. Unfortunately when acting out of anger we tend to regret out actions as they often carry negative consequences.

Domestic Violence IS Child Abuse

Children learn from their environment

If the child’s caregivers are chronically expressing their emotions in a stressful, chaotic or violent way, and engaging in domestic violence, the child will begin to take on these behaviors as a way to manage their own emotions as well. 

How Children Think

Children also tend to internalize the things they see hear and feel. Children internalize these behaviors and messages from their environment because they are egocentric by nature. Everything is about them, not because they are trying to be narcissistic, but because they have not yet effectively developed the ability to take perspective of other people’s feelings or needs.

A young child often begins their sentences with “I want”… “I want a cookie” or “I want to go play”. They are also completely dependent on their caregivers for basic human needs such as food, clothing, shelter, safety and love. Again, it’s all about them. 

How Children Process

So, the child who witnesses domestic violence will begin to internalize those feelings of shame, guilt, and fear. The child will assume (since everything else is about them) that the violence they witness or receive is their fault, they begin to view themselves as a “bad” child and that they must be the reason for this violence and chaos.

Domestic violence sends messages of shame, guilt, and fear to the victim. 
When children are stressed and overwhelmed with fear, they enter survival mode. This does not allow them to focus on other things such as school, having healthy relationships and learning other important social skills and can result in behavioral issues. The child then often gets labeled as a bad or difficult child, which in turn validates the child’s egocentric thinking that all of this IS their fault. 

They aren’t bad children and it isn’t their fault, they are behaving exactly as they should given their circumstances. 

#domesticviolence #childabuse #children#enddomesticviolence#domesticviolenceawareness#familywellnesscounseling

Creating Your Own Reality

Mind Control

What if I told you that you could control your environment with your mind, and even create your own reality? Would you make any changes? Would you try to create happiness and an environment where you could grow and thrive? Here’s the crazy thing…you can do all of those things!! Within you is the ability to control your thinking and begin creating an environment that you can find happiness in.

Mindfulness

Mindfulness is the ability to be aware of your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Through the use of mindfulness, and understanding the thought-feeling-behavior connection, you can find ways to challenge your current thinking, and begin to create your own reality and then see positive changes in your life. Everything you do starts with a thought. From thinking about what clothes to wear, how much coffee you are going to have this morning, and thinking about what you want for dinner latter tonight.

Thought-Feeling-Behavior Connection

Our thoughts influence our feelings, and our feelings influence our behaviors. If I have a negative thought I will likely feel irritable or sad. If I feel this irritation and sadness I will behave accordingly; snap at someone or begin isolating myself form others. Fortunately for us the opposite is also true! If we can learn to be mindful of our thinking we have the ability to make the necessary changes to produce feelings of peace and contentment leading us to more positive behavioral outcomes. Didn’t know you had super powers, did you!? Schedule your first session today to tap into your superpowers!